BY MEN FOR MEN
My Journey In Ego
By GROSS
When Stauder asked me to write something for the bullet, I immediately knew it had to be about ego. I knew this because there is no other area in my life in which I have been so challenged. It has always been this way for me, or at least it has been this way for long as I can remember.
Through my work here with you men and through the teachings of the Sterling Men’s Weekend I have found mature ways to express and use my ego for good and stifle my ego in ways it may harm myself, my relationships and others. It has taken years of self-discovery for me to get where I am in my understanding of my ego and how it both hurts and helps me. By no means am I my ego’s master. I am only my ego’s student who is often shown how little I know by my own missteps.
My father was a man who used ego in many (if not all) of the wrong ways. From the “rub it in your face” type, to the “insecure justification” type he demonstrated many of the wrong ways to express your ego. He often lied to prove his point and mislead others to seem like the bigger man. He would “promise” things to seem grand in the moment only to not deliver when it counted. He allowed his drive to succeed to take over his life at the expense of the relationships which were important to him. In many ways it was coming to terms with what I learned from my father around ego which brought me to maturity as a man.
As a young man I was saddled with the knowledge my father had taught me about this important tool and crafty demon we all have within us. I was a braggart, a loudmouth and a bully when it suited me. I was smart, knew it and took every occasion I could find to prove it to myself (insecurity) and others. I often alienated others and only through trial and error did I slowly learn to have friends and care for people and build my childhood crew of buddies. I had always cared, it was just hidden behind this mask of ego and insecurity which I had learned.
I did not learn the power of “good ego” until my late teens. I was first enlightened though my discovery of young women and my quest to visit their ever elusive vaginas. In order to meet girls, I knew I needed to be liked and respected by my classmates. I needed to be popular enough for the girls to recognize me and want to meet me.
What I discovered was a “drive” to be great at something. Until then I don’t think I really had any controlled focus of my ego for use in what I thought was a good thing. Until then my ego controlled me. With this new focus on getting to know everyone and knowing everything fun that was going on, I found direction which got me laid within the year. No longer a virgin and popular among my classmates, I saw the power of focused drive and what it could do for me in my life. Obviously I was doing it in immature ways but, I was an immature man.
As I matured, I began to expand this use of my ego to other areas of my life. It started to show up in my schoolwork, my salesmanship and in my martial arts. As I matured further into manhood, I let this focused drive take control of me to my own benefit and detriment. I focused on my work and gaining an unchallengeable expertise in it to the sacrifice of all else in my life. For years I spent 60 to 100 hours a week in the office working to be the best at what I do. I would burn myself out, vacation then go right back at it again only to burn out again. This focused drive did teach me a lot about what I do for a living and allowed me to always excel at my work. But that was all I had. I was a one dimensional man.
Ego had stripped me of all other joys in life and I saw my father reflected in myself again. I used ego as a tool in my work because it helped me excel but with no balance, my ego was controlling me again. I had no dating life. I had friends I only saw on weekends when I wasn’t working. It got to the point where I didn’t know who I was beyond my work.
Part of my journey to find balance led me to leave New York City (my birthplace) and come here to Los Angeles. Here with the help of my estranged brother and Martin Hannon I was introduced to an event which changed my life, The Sterling Men’s Weekend. There I learned a framework with which to view ego as both the tool and the enemy it can be in your life. With my men I was constantly pushed up against my ego and reminded of how it was not serving me. I learned to become more balanced.
I learned how ego faced inward can turn to drive and drive (when controlled and in balance) leads to excellence and ultimately success. I learned how ego faced outward destroys the connection you have with others by driving a wedge of conflict between you and them. I learned that turning your ego outwards causes the other person to do the same and two egos without a common shared goal will always clash. I learned that so many of the bad things which show up my life do so out of my ego and my lack of control of it. From insecurity to bravado, from disgust and prejudice to a sometimes false sense of immortality, are all ways in which ego shows up to control me. Ego can be an unrealistic view of myself, unbalanced, unchecked pushing me in the direction of conflict or imbalance.
I am happy to say that at this stage of my life I have (with hard work and hard lessons) come to grasp how my ego shows up in my life and have achieved more balance and happiness through this understanding. I am blessed to have loving relationships with my wife, my family, my friends, my work and my men. I am going to become a father and hope that I can bring this understanding to my child and family so that we are able to live more harmoniously. I believe that through understanding my ego and how it has affected my life in both positive and negative ways, I have matured greatly. With the tutelage of my men and life I am sure I still have a long journey of understanding this integral part of my being ahead of me.
Through my work here with you men and through the teachings of the Sterling Men’s Weekend I have found mature ways to express and use my ego for good and stifle my ego in ways it may harm myself, my relationships and others. It has taken years of self-discovery for me to get where I am in my understanding of my ego and how it both hurts and helps me. By no means am I my ego’s master. I am only my ego’s student who is often shown how little I know by my own missteps.
My father was a man who used ego in many (if not all) of the wrong ways. From the “rub it in your face” type, to the “insecure justification” type he demonstrated many of the wrong ways to express your ego. He often lied to prove his point and mislead others to seem like the bigger man. He would “promise” things to seem grand in the moment only to not deliver when it counted. He allowed his drive to succeed to take over his life at the expense of the relationships which were important to him. In many ways it was coming to terms with what I learned from my father around ego which brought me to maturity as a man.
As a young man I was saddled with the knowledge my father had taught me about this important tool and crafty demon we all have within us. I was a braggart, a loudmouth and a bully when it suited me. I was smart, knew it and took every occasion I could find to prove it to myself (insecurity) and others. I often alienated others and only through trial and error did I slowly learn to have friends and care for people and build my childhood crew of buddies. I had always cared, it was just hidden behind this mask of ego and insecurity which I had learned.
I did not learn the power of “good ego” until my late teens. I was first enlightened though my discovery of young women and my quest to visit their ever elusive vaginas. In order to meet girls, I knew I needed to be liked and respected by my classmates. I needed to be popular enough for the girls to recognize me and want to meet me.
What I discovered was a “drive” to be great at something. Until then I don’t think I really had any controlled focus of my ego for use in what I thought was a good thing. Until then my ego controlled me. With this new focus on getting to know everyone and knowing everything fun that was going on, I found direction which got me laid within the year. No longer a virgin and popular among my classmates, I saw the power of focused drive and what it could do for me in my life. Obviously I was doing it in immature ways but, I was an immature man.
As I matured, I began to expand this use of my ego to other areas of my life. It started to show up in my schoolwork, my salesmanship and in my martial arts. As I matured further into manhood, I let this focused drive take control of me to my own benefit and detriment. I focused on my work and gaining an unchallengeable expertise in it to the sacrifice of all else in my life. For years I spent 60 to 100 hours a week in the office working to be the best at what I do. I would burn myself out, vacation then go right back at it again only to burn out again. This focused drive did teach me a lot about what I do for a living and allowed me to always excel at my work. But that was all I had. I was a one dimensional man.
Ego had stripped me of all other joys in life and I saw my father reflected in myself again. I used ego as a tool in my work because it helped me excel but with no balance, my ego was controlling me again. I had no dating life. I had friends I only saw on weekends when I wasn’t working. It got to the point where I didn’t know who I was beyond my work.
Part of my journey to find balance led me to leave New York City (my birthplace) and come here to Los Angeles. Here with the help of my estranged brother and Martin Hannon I was introduced to an event which changed my life, The Sterling Men’s Weekend. There I learned a framework with which to view ego as both the tool and the enemy it can be in your life. With my men I was constantly pushed up against my ego and reminded of how it was not serving me. I learned to become more balanced.
I learned how ego faced inward can turn to drive and drive (when controlled and in balance) leads to excellence and ultimately success. I learned how ego faced outward destroys the connection you have with others by driving a wedge of conflict between you and them. I learned that turning your ego outwards causes the other person to do the same and two egos without a common shared goal will always clash. I learned that so many of the bad things which show up my life do so out of my ego and my lack of control of it. From insecurity to bravado, from disgust and prejudice to a sometimes false sense of immortality, are all ways in which ego shows up to control me. Ego can be an unrealistic view of myself, unbalanced, unchecked pushing me in the direction of conflict or imbalance.
I am happy to say that at this stage of my life I have (with hard work and hard lessons) come to grasp how my ego shows up in my life and have achieved more balance and happiness through this understanding. I am blessed to have loving relationships with my wife, my family, my friends, my work and my men. I am going to become a father and hope that I can bring this understanding to my child and family so that we are able to live more harmoniously. I believe that through understanding my ego and how it has affected my life in both positive and negative ways, I have matured greatly. With the tutelage of my men and life I am sure I still have a long journey of understanding this integral part of my being ahead of me.
