BY MEN FOR MEN
Growth And Reflection
by CAISSIE
This New Year hit me with a bang. Not literally, but nothing exactly subtle either, and so when Stauder asked me to write something for the bullet as the newest member of his core team I figured that that was as good a place to start as any. I had just gotten back from a well needed vacation back East (Massachusetts), was in the process of making a delivery for work, and I could still smell the booze seeping from my pours (yeah we drink a lot where I'm from), so naturally I said "fuck yeah, I'm in". Wait...do I have to be "laser" while writing this thing? Shit.
So, back to this New Year, and I guess on to "how it made me feel". I guess you could say I have had a list on 2011, and now, and this venue is as good a place as any to "let it go".
2011...what you did...you found me leaving my wife and...and how it made me feel...well it made me angry, sad, frustrated, confused, like I was a failure, disappointed and...and well mostly I felt afraid. Can I let it go? Give me a moment and let's see how I feel when I'm done writing this thing.
2011...You also brought about my brother's minor drinking problem to a full fledged fucking mess, consisting of countless hours of trying to "help" him, but merely feeling like I would have been better served smashing my forehead in to a wall repeatedly. How did it make me feel? Angry, sad, frustrated, confused, like I was a failure, disappointed and...and well mostly I felt afraid.
Hold on 2011...don't sit down yet...I'm not finished.
2011 you were the year that saw my best friend cheating on his wife for several years and getting a divorce, shattering my already fragile belief in relationships and marriage in particular. How it made me feel? It made me angry, sad, frustrated...okay you get the point I'm guessing.
Okay deep breath...2011, I'm willing to lay this extremely truncated list down, and let this all go, and...if you could see me now I am embracing the screen before we both go and return to our seats.
I feel a lot better now, but all of that, and then some, was not the reason (well not all of it anyway) why this New Year hit me so hard. (Yes, I know...right now I am one of those assholes who talks in circles and says everything and anything accept what I fucking need to be saying, while holding everyone in the meeting hostage until I get to the fucking point, but I asked "for some time" before hand, and this is my piece so fuck off)
Yes, 2011 was an extremely challenging year for me, and while I was back East, drunk off my ass as that stupid ball dropped, I was feeling somewhat depressed, but that quickly subsided as I started to really think about how fucking amazing this year had been for me.
Shit...this really was an amazing year for me. I couldn't believe I was saying it and feeling it, let alone the fact that it was absolutely true.
I was team leader for BAMF, the best team in the division (okay I'm biased but again...my piece so take it or leave it), and each day I found myself truly growing as a man in ways that I could have never imaged possible. I found a group of men that I love unconditionally, and who have been there for me (when I've actually allowed them to...yes I am still working on that), through all of the aforementioned challenges, and then some. And I've been there for them too, and that's an amazing feeling.
As I'm thinking this, I looked around the room, and subsequently around my home town, and I really took note as to exactly how far I had come, and realized that I was merely scratching the surface of possibilities.
To risk sounding judgmental, I made it out...I left a place that hadn't changed in nearly 13 years. The same guys still worked at the pizza place that were working there when I did nearly 20 years ago. The same guys were still getting together for drinks and to get high that were doing it when I was in middle school. This trip home I realized that for me that place and those that stayed, many of whom I love dearly, have stood still while I have been a man of action. (albeit movement often consisting of just as many backward steps as forward, but movement none the less)
This year found me transferring to a different location for work, and really continuing to work hard and dedicating myself to my career and to a company and people I believe in on a daily basis. Fortunately for me, my efforts have been rewarded generously several times this year in a monetary sense, but just as importantly in a self growth and relationship sense. I truly feel blessed to be a part of something like Tender Greens, and I love my staff (both locations), fellow managers, the owners, and when the customers aren't being assholes...well them too.
I remember all of these emotions flooding me all at once, and I felt pretty overwhelmed. Fuck it...I will say it, I cried. It was a moment I had by myself, for myself, and after really letting go, I realized it was fucking cold outside. What the hell was I doing standing outside in Massachusetts on New Year's eve in a t-shirt. Maybe I hadn't grown up that much after all...
Okay, I digress, but I feel like I have at least a halfway decent point to all of this amongst all of the other masturbation, and I'm hoping that perhaps you men out there can either relate and/or take something from this exchange.
My biggest take away was that clearly I had had a rough fucking year, but throughout all of it, I felt that I had probably grown more than I have ever grown, loved more than I have ever loved, been more honest than I have ever been, and plan to continue with ALL of that in 2012 and beyond, and if that's not a reason to celebrate a year, then I don't know what the hell is...
So, back to this New Year, and I guess on to "how it made me feel". I guess you could say I have had a list on 2011, and now, and this venue is as good a place as any to "let it go".
2011...what you did...you found me leaving my wife and...and how it made me feel...well it made me angry, sad, frustrated, confused, like I was a failure, disappointed and...and well mostly I felt afraid. Can I let it go? Give me a moment and let's see how I feel when I'm done writing this thing.
2011...You also brought about my brother's minor drinking problem to a full fledged fucking mess, consisting of countless hours of trying to "help" him, but merely feeling like I would have been better served smashing my forehead in to a wall repeatedly. How did it make me feel? Angry, sad, frustrated, confused, like I was a failure, disappointed and...and well mostly I felt afraid.
Hold on 2011...don't sit down yet...I'm not finished.
2011 you were the year that saw my best friend cheating on his wife for several years and getting a divorce, shattering my already fragile belief in relationships and marriage in particular. How it made me feel? It made me angry, sad, frustrated...okay you get the point I'm guessing.
Okay deep breath...2011, I'm willing to lay this extremely truncated list down, and let this all go, and...if you could see me now I am embracing the screen before we both go and return to our seats.
I feel a lot better now, but all of that, and then some, was not the reason (well not all of it anyway) why this New Year hit me so hard. (Yes, I know...right now I am one of those assholes who talks in circles and says everything and anything accept what I fucking need to be saying, while holding everyone in the meeting hostage until I get to the fucking point, but I asked "for some time" before hand, and this is my piece so fuck off)
Yes, 2011 was an extremely challenging year for me, and while I was back East, drunk off my ass as that stupid ball dropped, I was feeling somewhat depressed, but that quickly subsided as I started to really think about how fucking amazing this year had been for me.
Shit...this really was an amazing year for me. I couldn't believe I was saying it and feeling it, let alone the fact that it was absolutely true.
I was team leader for BAMF, the best team in the division (okay I'm biased but again...my piece so take it or leave it), and each day I found myself truly growing as a man in ways that I could have never imaged possible. I found a group of men that I love unconditionally, and who have been there for me (when I've actually allowed them to...yes I am still working on that), through all of the aforementioned challenges, and then some. And I've been there for them too, and that's an amazing feeling.
As I'm thinking this, I looked around the room, and subsequently around my home town, and I really took note as to exactly how far I had come, and realized that I was merely scratching the surface of possibilities.
To risk sounding judgmental, I made it out...I left a place that hadn't changed in nearly 13 years. The same guys still worked at the pizza place that were working there when I did nearly 20 years ago. The same guys were still getting together for drinks and to get high that were doing it when I was in middle school. This trip home I realized that for me that place and those that stayed, many of whom I love dearly, have stood still while I have been a man of action. (albeit movement often consisting of just as many backward steps as forward, but movement none the less)
This year found me transferring to a different location for work, and really continuing to work hard and dedicating myself to my career and to a company and people I believe in on a daily basis. Fortunately for me, my efforts have been rewarded generously several times this year in a monetary sense, but just as importantly in a self growth and relationship sense. I truly feel blessed to be a part of something like Tender Greens, and I love my staff (both locations), fellow managers, the owners, and when the customers aren't being assholes...well them too.
I remember all of these emotions flooding me all at once, and I felt pretty overwhelmed. Fuck it...I will say it, I cried. It was a moment I had by myself, for myself, and after really letting go, I realized it was fucking cold outside. What the hell was I doing standing outside in Massachusetts on New Year's eve in a t-shirt. Maybe I hadn't grown up that much after all...
Okay, I digress, but I feel like I have at least a halfway decent point to all of this amongst all of the other masturbation, and I'm hoping that perhaps you men out there can either relate and/or take something from this exchange.
My biggest take away was that clearly I had had a rough fucking year, but throughout all of it, I felt that I had probably grown more than I have ever grown, loved more than I have ever loved, been more honest than I have ever been, and plan to continue with ALL of that in 2012 and beyond, and if that's not a reason to celebrate a year, then I don't know what the hell is...
