BY MEN FOR MEN
Does Saying Yes To You, Mean Saying No To Me?
By WEILER
I’m in the middle of reading a book that’s been recommended throughout the world since 1936 called “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” by Dale Carnegie. I’m guessing many of you have read it and probably own it. The premise is very simple… care about others. It’s the same thing that my mother preached and lived since I can remember. And she is well-liked. But her influence, in my view, seems small. People call her naïve. And I bet many people secretly think of her as a sucker. “Let’s get Sandie to do it! She won’t say, no.” Ten years ago, I vowed to never massage anyone’s fragile ego. Which is the exact opposite of what the book and my mother says. And probably why I’m not as successful, and don’t have the quality of friendships, that I expected and desire.
So when I look at MDI, Full Monty and our individual Men’s Teams, I see opportunity to practice. And as we have all seen, this organization will push us right up against our rub points, if we do “step up,” and are “all in.” We use the word “enrolling” to convince others to do what we want them to. We discuss putting relationship before task, because it seems that men are more willing to want to help someone that actually seems to give a shit about them. We practice asking questions that seem to dig into the heart of what’s important to a man.
Like my mother, I have a problem saying, “No.” And that’s a rub point for me in this organization. You men push me right up against that boundary and give me the opportunity to say NO often. And then I feel guilty about it. I ask myself if my, NO is coming from a place of ego? That I should give a shit about the man asking me for a favor, or care enough about what’s important to him to say, “Yes. No problem. I’m all in!” I should, but I don’t. Because usually when I say YES, I regret and resent it.
I’ve been on enough Core Teams over the last four DC terms to hear men talk about, “who should we ask to step up for this job?” And usually it’s the same men. “Those Naive Suckers.” The men who usually say YES. We don’t bother with the men who usually say NO. And why? Because it’s easier on us. We don’t like rejection. And the “Yes Men” are the low-hanging fruit.
I hear complaining about how time-consuming this organization is, and about how much is going on in a motivated, goal-oriented man’s life. Sometimes it’s an excuse to say NO. Sometimes it’s just an excuse to complain. I’m one of those men. And I believe that many men view me as a “Naïve Sucker, who won’t say NO. Why? Because you call and ask me for favors a lot. And regardless of if I say YES or NO, I usually resent it. That’s my shit.
We encourage men to develop their terms, but then chop him at the knees if he hijacks a team meeting, or makes it all about him, or says NO, because saying YES, isn’t within his terms. He’s dubbed a cancer if his terms are grander than the team itself. And then the lesson becomes, “Set your terms… just don’t set them too big.”
Who are the men that I say, YES easily to? The men who seem to give a shit. The men who aren’t always too busy. The men who return the favor. The men who show up for my plays, and watch my videos and TV programs when I ask them to. The men who just call me because they’re thinking of me, and hope I’m doing well.
And then there are the men who will send me an email asking me to support their pet project. And I get resentful and angry. “FUCK YOU! Why should I give a shit about your pet project? You’ve never been to a single one of my play performances.” I show up because I want something in return, selfishly. Not because I actually care.
Some men actually do care. We need more of them. But then we encourage them to find their passion, their pet project. We tell them that we are unconditionally committed to helping them win. As long as it doesn’t interfere with our passion, pet project or priority. Selfishly. When men send me a 10-page manifesto and ask me for feedback, I usually ask myself “would this man do the same for me? Does he have any clue what’s important to me, and what I’m working on at the moment? Does he even give a shit?” If the answer is yes, then I stretch, go out of my way, and make time. And if the answer is no, FUCK HIM.
Not sure if this is just an angry rant, exposing the dark depths of my fragile ego, a motivational speech, or if I’m simply waxing philosophic fill space in the Bullet, because Stauder asked me to. But my lesson and message from stepping up for the Core Team again and again, being a “YES Man,” who is yet unsatisfied with his success and relationships, is this… This organization will challenge us to grow if we say, YES to it. And if you want to know how to enroll me, practice giving a shit and being other-minded. Life is lived in the balance. Finding where we can wear heavy armor that still exposes a vulnerable heart. It’s a constant negotiation. Smiling at lovers and haters equally. Practicing gratitude over jealousy. Surfing between service and selfishness. Somewhere between YES and NO. Somewhere between what I want, and what you want. Somewhere between my terms, and the terms of the others we are trying to enroll, befriend or win-over.
When it comes to saying YES to YOU, does that mean I’m saying NO to ME? Or does that mean we can cooperate, and both find a way to enthusiastically give a shit, so that we can both win? I don’t know. I’m still working on that.
So when I look at MDI, Full Monty and our individual Men’s Teams, I see opportunity to practice. And as we have all seen, this organization will push us right up against our rub points, if we do “step up,” and are “all in.” We use the word “enrolling” to convince others to do what we want them to. We discuss putting relationship before task, because it seems that men are more willing to want to help someone that actually seems to give a shit about them. We practice asking questions that seem to dig into the heart of what’s important to a man.
Like my mother, I have a problem saying, “No.” And that’s a rub point for me in this organization. You men push me right up against that boundary and give me the opportunity to say NO often. And then I feel guilty about it. I ask myself if my, NO is coming from a place of ego? That I should give a shit about the man asking me for a favor, or care enough about what’s important to him to say, “Yes. No problem. I’m all in!” I should, but I don’t. Because usually when I say YES, I regret and resent it.
I’ve been on enough Core Teams over the last four DC terms to hear men talk about, “who should we ask to step up for this job?” And usually it’s the same men. “Those Naive Suckers.” The men who usually say YES. We don’t bother with the men who usually say NO. And why? Because it’s easier on us. We don’t like rejection. And the “Yes Men” are the low-hanging fruit.
I hear complaining about how time-consuming this organization is, and about how much is going on in a motivated, goal-oriented man’s life. Sometimes it’s an excuse to say NO. Sometimes it’s just an excuse to complain. I’m one of those men. And I believe that many men view me as a “Naïve Sucker, who won’t say NO. Why? Because you call and ask me for favors a lot. And regardless of if I say YES or NO, I usually resent it. That’s my shit.
We encourage men to develop their terms, but then chop him at the knees if he hijacks a team meeting, or makes it all about him, or says NO, because saying YES, isn’t within his terms. He’s dubbed a cancer if his terms are grander than the team itself. And then the lesson becomes, “Set your terms… just don’t set them too big.”
Who are the men that I say, YES easily to? The men who seem to give a shit. The men who aren’t always too busy. The men who return the favor. The men who show up for my plays, and watch my videos and TV programs when I ask them to. The men who just call me because they’re thinking of me, and hope I’m doing well.
And then there are the men who will send me an email asking me to support their pet project. And I get resentful and angry. “FUCK YOU! Why should I give a shit about your pet project? You’ve never been to a single one of my play performances.” I show up because I want something in return, selfishly. Not because I actually care.
Some men actually do care. We need more of them. But then we encourage them to find their passion, their pet project. We tell them that we are unconditionally committed to helping them win. As long as it doesn’t interfere with our passion, pet project or priority. Selfishly. When men send me a 10-page manifesto and ask me for feedback, I usually ask myself “would this man do the same for me? Does he have any clue what’s important to me, and what I’m working on at the moment? Does he even give a shit?” If the answer is yes, then I stretch, go out of my way, and make time. And if the answer is no, FUCK HIM.
Not sure if this is just an angry rant, exposing the dark depths of my fragile ego, a motivational speech, or if I’m simply waxing philosophic fill space in the Bullet, because Stauder asked me to. But my lesson and message from stepping up for the Core Team again and again, being a “YES Man,” who is yet unsatisfied with his success and relationships, is this… This organization will challenge us to grow if we say, YES to it. And if you want to know how to enroll me, practice giving a shit and being other-minded. Life is lived in the balance. Finding where we can wear heavy armor that still exposes a vulnerable heart. It’s a constant negotiation. Smiling at lovers and haters equally. Practicing gratitude over jealousy. Surfing between service and selfishness. Somewhere between YES and NO. Somewhere between what I want, and what you want. Somewhere between my terms, and the terms of the others we are trying to enroll, befriend or win-over.
When it comes to saying YES to YOU, does that mean I’m saying NO to ME? Or does that mean we can cooperate, and both find a way to enthusiastically give a shit, so that we can both win? I don’t know. I’m still working on that.
