RESOURCES
Coming From Care While Bringing The Edge Men Need
Be patient:
It’s always easier for us to see the answer a man needs than for the man facing the challenge. We all need to resist our desire to give him the solution. Whether our wisdom is coming from a place of support (sometimes called “mothering”) or from stroking our own egos, we are doing the man a disservice by solving his problems. Unless he specifically asks for direction, keep asking him questions. When we find ourselves going in for the fix, let’s take a breath and wait. Don’t give him the answer; it’s not his answer, it’s yours.
Don’t sell out the team’s standards and agreements:
As you know, our teams have standards to provide a framework for behavior within the circle and without. If a man is not being supportable, accountable, giving his best, telling the truth, bringing it when it’s not there (or whatever our standards are), it’s our job to mirror that back to him and give him an opportunity to conform to the standards. The standards don’t change, the man has to. Sometimes a man needs to be sent home to remind him of that. If a man is consequenced by being sent away from a meeting, we should always give him a path back into honor.
Come from a place of “relentless or ruthless compassion”:
This is a high, masculine context of really helping a man to find his clarity. It’s about holding him accountable like no one in the real world would. Push beyond the comfort zone but know when to back off.... keep the right amount of tension and pressure to get a man where he needs to go. Why “relentless compassion”? Because if we are not accountable in this life then more often than not, life passes us by. Some of us learned this by having tough dads or sports coaches or scout masters, some from having moms that behaved like dads and some of us never learned it at all. We struggle to see why this “volunteer organization” stresses all this “tasky stuff”... it’s because most people in the real world (including men outside our organization) are so busy taking care of their own lives that they won’t take the time to teach a man that accountability is a virtue worth owning. As men in our Men’s Division, being “unconditionally committed to men winning” means we show up for each other. Our level of accountability is a huge determining factor in how we are trusted, loved, promoted, paid, considered and treated.
Allow for silence:
Let’s not be in such a rush to ask the next question that we prevent a man from answering the last question. Sometimes a man needs a minute to respond. Just because he doesn’t answer right away, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good question. His silence might mean the question hit him straight in the gut. Slow it down, shut up and wait...
Tell him the truth:
When we come from the heart, we connect better with the man than when we come from our brains. How would we want to be treated if we were in the hot seat? How were we treated when we were in his shoes? Was it helpful and healing or destructive and shaming? Even though we don’t want to hear it, we need to hear it. We all need to risk saying the thing that others are not saying. We should not assume someone else will tell him the truth.
Don’t go to anger:
Make it about how you feel about a man’s behavior. Chances are, if we are really connected to our hearts, we will realize how sad or scared we are for that man and the shit he is in.
Own our screw-ups:
When we make mistakes, we own them. If we have misjudged, say so. If we create a space of total accountability, then we create a circle men will fight to be in.
Keep the meetings unpredictable:
Change it up; locations, fun and physical, check ins, exercises, rituals, surprises... whether we’re the team leader or the fun and physical manager, we can always call a man from another team and ask for help. Get outside our own circles and get in relationship with another man. There’s great shit out there!
Follow up:
We make commitments all the time. Is the Team S-1 making notes? Are these commitments falling into a black hole or are they being revisited at their due dates? What’s the level of continuity on the team? It’s not about policing the men, it’s about helping them live up to their potential
Have compassion for the lone wolf:
Many of us men were raised to believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness. We have all been taught that there is virtue in boot-strapping, sucking it up and figuring it out by ourselves. For most of us, asking for help is something that we first learn on a men’s team. Let’s have empathy for the man who has been doing it alone all those years...
Life is short:
We should all be reminded that life is fragile and that every moment could be our last. How do we want it to be spent? Let’s come from that place in service to another man. Let’s encourage our men to come from that place as they lead their lives; not out of fear but out of commitment to it being a great life.
If there’s something in this article that resonates for you or for your team, bring it back and talk about it with your men.
In service,
Full Monty Mentor Team
It’s always easier for us to see the answer a man needs than for the man facing the challenge. We all need to resist our desire to give him the solution. Whether our wisdom is coming from a place of support (sometimes called “mothering”) or from stroking our own egos, we are doing the man a disservice by solving his problems. Unless he specifically asks for direction, keep asking him questions. When we find ourselves going in for the fix, let’s take a breath and wait. Don’t give him the answer; it’s not his answer, it’s yours.
Don’t sell out the team’s standards and agreements:
As you know, our teams have standards to provide a framework for behavior within the circle and without. If a man is not being supportable, accountable, giving his best, telling the truth, bringing it when it’s not there (or whatever our standards are), it’s our job to mirror that back to him and give him an opportunity to conform to the standards. The standards don’t change, the man has to. Sometimes a man needs to be sent home to remind him of that. If a man is consequenced by being sent away from a meeting, we should always give him a path back into honor.
Come from a place of “relentless or ruthless compassion”:
This is a high, masculine context of really helping a man to find his clarity. It’s about holding him accountable like no one in the real world would. Push beyond the comfort zone but know when to back off.... keep the right amount of tension and pressure to get a man where he needs to go. Why “relentless compassion”? Because if we are not accountable in this life then more often than not, life passes us by. Some of us learned this by having tough dads or sports coaches or scout masters, some from having moms that behaved like dads and some of us never learned it at all. We struggle to see why this “volunteer organization” stresses all this “tasky stuff”... it’s because most people in the real world (including men outside our organization) are so busy taking care of their own lives that they won’t take the time to teach a man that accountability is a virtue worth owning. As men in our Men’s Division, being “unconditionally committed to men winning” means we show up for each other. Our level of accountability is a huge determining factor in how we are trusted, loved, promoted, paid, considered and treated.
Allow for silence:
Let’s not be in such a rush to ask the next question that we prevent a man from answering the last question. Sometimes a man needs a minute to respond. Just because he doesn’t answer right away, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good question. His silence might mean the question hit him straight in the gut. Slow it down, shut up and wait...
Tell him the truth:
When we come from the heart, we connect better with the man than when we come from our brains. How would we want to be treated if we were in the hot seat? How were we treated when we were in his shoes? Was it helpful and healing or destructive and shaming? Even though we don’t want to hear it, we need to hear it. We all need to risk saying the thing that others are not saying. We should not assume someone else will tell him the truth.
Don’t go to anger:
Make it about how you feel about a man’s behavior. Chances are, if we are really connected to our hearts, we will realize how sad or scared we are for that man and the shit he is in.
Own our screw-ups:
When we make mistakes, we own them. If we have misjudged, say so. If we create a space of total accountability, then we create a circle men will fight to be in.
Keep the meetings unpredictable:
Change it up; locations, fun and physical, check ins, exercises, rituals, surprises... whether we’re the team leader or the fun and physical manager, we can always call a man from another team and ask for help. Get outside our own circles and get in relationship with another man. There’s great shit out there!
Follow up:
We make commitments all the time. Is the Team S-1 making notes? Are these commitments falling into a black hole or are they being revisited at their due dates? What’s the level of continuity on the team? It’s not about policing the men, it’s about helping them live up to their potential
Have compassion for the lone wolf:
Many of us men were raised to believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness. We have all been taught that there is virtue in boot-strapping, sucking it up and figuring it out by ourselves. For most of us, asking for help is something that we first learn on a men’s team. Let’s have empathy for the man who has been doing it alone all those years...
Life is short:
We should all be reminded that life is fragile and that every moment could be our last. How do we want it to be spent? Let’s come from that place in service to another man. Let’s encourage our men to come from that place as they lead their lives; not out of fear but out of commitment to it being a great life.
If there’s something in this article that resonates for you or for your team, bring it back and talk about it with your men.
In service,
Full Monty Mentor Team
| Coming_From_Care.pdf |
